The Canada Chronicles xii - Meeting Tabs and Scott!

We now interrupt your regularly scheduled twenty-something angst to bring you this special message:

I met my first blogger friend today! 

And I mean that in several senses of the word. Tabitha Venasse (Tabs) was the first friend I made on 20SB, but this was also the first time I met someone in real life that I had only previously known through blogging.

You can find Tabitha's blog at I am, therefore I do. If you're in the 20SB community then you've probably heard of Tabs. She's a very active blogger, an excellent commentator, and was recently honored on 20SB as May's Featured Blogger. If you haven't checked her out, you totally should. For reals.

Throughout the last year we have been regular readers of each others' pages.  We also swap Tweets and Facebook comments quite often. Today, we finally had a chance to hang out without the use of a keyboard.

I took my first-ever solo subway ride (yeah, seriously) into the city of Toronto to meet up with Tabitha and her fiance Scott just outside of the Hard Rock Cafe. We went to Jack Astor's for lunch and conversation. The weather was beautiful; just check out the view from their patio!

After lunch we walked around the Eaton Centre to visit various shops. Our time was brief because Tabitha had a job interview at 2:00, but we made good use of what time we did have. It was great to meet one of my closest blogger friends, and her soon-to-be husband, in person.

In a way, I feel as though it brings my blogging experience full-circle. When I first joined 20SB a year ago I had no idea what I was doing with my blog. I just knew that I had a site and I wanted to use it to connect with some like-minded people. To share the stories of my life with my peers, no matter how far away they may be, and to get to know them in return. Joining that site, and finding a mutual following of other bloggers, has been a rewarding experience for me.

And now, a year later, I was privileged enough to spend a few hours in the city of Toronto with one of the friendships that resulted from this journey.

Our global society is so connected today. We are Generation Y, and we are bridging gaps like nobody else has done before. It reminds me of one of my favorite PostSecret cards:

The following space will be reserved for photos of us once Scott and Tabs send them to me.

[Right here]

[And here]

[Maybe here too?]

In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of me and Spider-Man which was taken later in the afternoon.

To Tabs and Scott: Yeah, this happened. It was easy to pass on the Marie Antoinette look-alike, but how do you say no to Spidey? Totally worth it.

Cheers!

~Shane

The Canada Chronicles xi - Flowers For Shaneiferd

It's time to drop a bombshell.

I hate pretty much everything about my life. And furthermore, I kind of hate myself. I swim in a sea of self-loathing...it's several fathoms deep and stretches from horizon to horizon.

Would you guess that from reading this blog or knowing me in the 'real world'? Probably not. That's because I put on a good show, the best of shows...an act so good, in fact, that I fool not only everyone who has ever known me. I also fool myself.

I hate my university. The students are lazy and apathetic, politically unmotivated and completely oblivious to their surroundings. They only care where they will get their next drink and their next lay. I don't blame them; these qualities are a natural byproduct of being raised in southwestern Pennsylvania and a member of today's generation.

I hate that I find it so easy to criticize my peers for being lazy and incompetent, even though I haven't done a damned thing to change the world in months...except talking about how much I want to change the world. (Actions will speak louder than words)

I hate my academic program. Last spring, coming to graduate school was a super cool idea. In fact, I chose to take additional courses to qualify for licensure. Now, although I am 75% finished with my degree in counseling, the only thing I have truly learned is how much I don't want to be a professional counselor. But to quit at this point would be foolish.

I hate the town I live in. All of the residents fit into one of two demographics: drunken, idiotic college students...or narrow-minded old fogies who have lived there since the dawn of man and spend most of their days sending disapproving stares in the direction of aforementioned college students.

I hate the excessive amount of weight I have gained in the last year. I hate myself for being fat...and then, I hate myself for hating myself for being fat.

I love my apartment, and the wonderful Racjel has turned it into a home...but I hate its location. I am conveniently 100 feet from my university, but my street is a party street. People walk by at all hours of the day and night, and on the weekends you can hear the neighbors screaming obscenities because an episode of Jersey Shore told them it would make them cool.

I hate that I have spent the entirety of my college career in the same damned small town. I am too damned scared to leave, but too disgusted to remain in the area and be happy.

I hate that I still live so close to my mother, a woman who loves me dearly, but also spends all of her days trying to cram her adult son back into the womb because she misses the days when she took care of him.

I hate that my father lives so far away; on average, I'm lucky to see him more than once per season.

I hate the safety net that my parents, in their own separate ways, have wrapped around my life. Although I live with a humble amount in my bank account, I have never had to worry about losing everything...and without a fear of losing, I have never learned to appreciate the true value of money.

I hate that I distract myself from this inner misery by spending ludicrous amounts of money on Magic The Gathering cards, because at least the triumph of pulling a mythic rare from a booster pack trumps most negative feelings. At least momentarily. It's an addiction just about as powerful as a drug...and I really wish I were joking.

What brought about these sudden and shocking relevations? A book I read - more details on this in my next post - and the experience of being on vacation. You see, every time I come to Canada I experience a spiritual awakening akin to Charlie Gordon's transformation in Flowers For Algernon. Right now, I am not the same person that I am within the confines of my stifling town. I am someone with dreams. Goals. Passions. Courage. Optimism. Someone who has become self-aware...frustratingly so.

Right now, I am a person who can do anything he sets his freaking mind to.

I have outgrown the little town of California, Pennsylvania. It can no longer hold me, my motivations, or my capacity to make a difference in the lives of others.

But in one week's time, I will no longer be this person. I will be lazy, lethargic, and bitter...and I won't know why.

I wrote this blog entry, dear reader, for two reasons. The first is to share these frustrations with you, because I don't know what else to do with them.

But I'm writing this as a reminder to myself...so I can read this post next week and remember this feeling.

The feeling that somewhere, somehow, after 23 years of life I will be able to do something that MATTERS. That I will matter. That I will be worth something...and that I will have an impact on this miserable, hopeless world.

~Shane

The Canada Chronicles x - The More Things Change

The odometer hit 175k just outside
of Pittsburgh. Keep on trucking, baby!

After two emotionally draining semesters and many months apart from my relatives, Saturday morning marked the start of my vacation. I said a long and bittersweet goodbye to Racjel, the lovely girlfriend who has agreed to stay at my (our?) home and watch my (our?) kitty while I am gone for the week.

I floored it through the Liberty Tunnels into the heart of Pittsburgh with the windows down and the Muse up.

I sang along at the top of my lungs to "Viva La Vida" while driving through Buffalo (my little tradition, right along with blasting "Supermassive Black Hole"  through the tunnel to Pittsburgh).

And I crossed the boundary between the United States and Canada after friendly banter with the border attendant.

Things have changed since my last visit to the land of two-dollar coins and Tim Horton's. One of my cousins moved out. He's currently living in Boston, attending Harvard U (what a tough act to follow, eh? Here I am pulling my prick in endless sessions of grad school at my rural university while my cousin goes to freakin' Harvard.). Also, my family moved to a new home. I lost touch with my Canadian family members for a number of years simply because I was an angsty teen with hormones on the brain and a poor grasp of my priorities. I reconnected with them back in the summer of 2008 during a whirlwind weekend of wedding ceremonies, dinner parties, receptions, and backyard barbecues...and ever since then, I stayed in that old house during my visits.

There used to be stuff in there, once
upon a time.

So yeah, I had a sentimental attachment to those four walls. We drove past it today to see that the new owners have completely gutted it for renovations. It was quite bizarre to look up into those windows and realize that one of those empty shells used to be my bedroom.

On the other hand, their old home was deep in the Middle of Nowhere, Suburbia. It was somewhat isolating for a guy like me - one with a poor sense of direction and little knowledge of the local terrain.Their new home is much closer to the bustling metropolis of Toronto. We can walk out of their front door and find dozens, if not hundreds, of shops within walking distance (including the comic book store from a previous entry that had a beautiful selection of Magic The Gathering cards. Shwing!).

While swimming in a sea of
rich old guys in polo shirts,
I whack balls in a T-shirt
because I keep it classy.

So all in all, it's a pretty exciting move. I can't wait to take some afternoon walks down the shopping district to pick up souvenirs and chat with the locals.

Yesterday, we watched movies and sat down for a family dinner. (It's amazing what concepts one takes for granted...having grown up as a latchkey child in a single-parent household before rotating between dorm rooms and virtually unfurnished bachelor pads for the majority of my college career, group dinners around a dining room table are still a new - and slightly awkward - experience for me.)

This morning, my cousins and I woke up early to hit the driving range and have brunch at one of our regular restaurants. Everyone napped in the afternoon, but I fought the food coma in order to finish the first book I've read for pleasure in nearly 5 months. (My inner bookworm, the little pre-pube who finished the first three Harry Potter books in two days time, is utterly disgusted with me. But it does feel nice to be reading again.)

This evening, we visited another one of my cousins, his wife, and their daughter at their condo. We were joined by that cousin's brother and sister, as well as their significant others and children. (I have a lot of cousins. I could start listing names, but that would be even more confusing.)

It was an awesome time. Great conversation, awesome company - drinks on the balcony, pizza for dinner, and even a few games of chess. After months of completely disappointing sobriety, it was kind of nice to knock back shots of tequila with Grey Goose. And by kind of nice, I mean to say that I had my face wiped all over the chessboard. Winston Churchill led the British military to victory on a steady diet of the sauce; I couldn't protect one lousy king. But I was the happiest loser ever.

On the way home we listened to some of our favorite songs and sang along to every word. The moment reminded me of several times during my last visit where we...well, drove down the highway singing along to our favorite songs. And that's when I realized the old cliche is true...

The more things change, the more they really do stay the same. 

And The Canada Chronicles continue.

~Shaneiferd

Prelude

On this warm Friday morning, I took a walk through campus to use the library printers. On the way back to my apartment I listened to one of my favorite bands (Say Anything) as I passed the last surviving flyer from my brief venture into political activism (a blogging series I have yet to finish).

I tore it down, threw it into a nearby trash can, and smiled smugly as I continued my walk.

I have been a lousy blogger lately...barely reading or writing. But in lieu of my absence all has been stable. Last weekend I said some difficult goodbyes...

But during one of my (admittedly more frequent) moments of weakness, Racjel came to the rescue.

In spite of my lack of motivation and the stress from the last few months, I found out that I kept my 4.0 GPA after all. 45 credits in the hole and still at the top of my class.

I dabbled in laziness during my days off of work, and I worked hard during my time on the clock. Yesterday I spent the entire day with my Wolf Pack.

I work today. Then, tomorrow morning, my little trooper of a car and I are taking a trip together. I can't wait.

~Shaneiferd

This Is The Light At The End Of The Tunnel

Good morning, my bloggy loves! I've been absent for about a week now. For once I wasn't caught up in an endless routine of long days at work and unfulfilling night classes. I still have one year's worth of classes to take, but I'll worry about that when I return to academia this fall.

Today, I have mostly good things to report.

Wednesday, May 2
After the retirement party I finished my last few hours at my graduate assistantship, then I spent some time preparing for my group's final presentation in Crisis Counseling. I have a 4.0 so far, and my grade on this presentation determined whether I get an A or B for the class.

It did not go nearly as well as I expected. Several of our classmates opposed our intervention model and ganged up on us. The hour-long presentation took well over an hour and a half because we were verbally assaulted by a few problem children. Thankfully, I am great at thinking on my feet...so every time they served a question our way I whipped the ball back into their court. Other classmates came to our aid when they saw the fight that was developing. It was a furious debate, but in the end we came through clean. Nevertheless, both myself and my teammate were highly irritated when we left the classroom.

Thursday, May 3
Final day at my internship in our university's Career Services office. Although career counseling provides a much different experience than what is typical for students in my program, I was very fortunate to spend a semester there. I fulfilled one of my degree requirements, worked with students, and sharpened my own professional skills. The staff was nothing but wonderful to me, so I will definitely miss them. But I won't lie; I am also very relieved to shed that responsibility.

That night, I spent a few hours with an old friend. It was a good time.

Friday, May 4 
This was definitely one of the most geektastic days of my life. It was the date for the newest Magic: The Gathering release - Avacyn Restored. Long story short, Racjel and I went out to the mall right when they opened to stock up on the latest cards. I dropped down much more money than I planned to spend...and my faith was rewarded.

The blue ones sell for $40 each, the gold ones are $25 a pop, and the black and red cards sell for $15 apiece. I dropped about $110 on packs and came away with $175 in value. One of our friends spent about the same amount and came away with even better bang for his buck. That wasn't the last of our adventures. That night, her and I went out to another shop with our buddies...and we traded in the cards we didn't want for store credit. And we kept pulling more high-dollar cards. It was like playing a slot machine and constantly hitting the jackpot. Awesome day.

Saturday, May 5
Ah, Cinco De Mayo.

I've never had a reason to celebrate Cinco De Mayo until this year, because (more importantly) May 5th is Racjel's birthday.

Her and I had a lovely day. We went shopping in the morning, had lunch at Red Lobster, and then came home so we could get ready for her birthday party. I haven't had a party at my apartment in such a long time, and it's a tiny bach pad. So I was understandably anxious...but in the end, everything worked out just fine. The night had its ups and downs, but somehow we managed to Tetris everybody into my place and a good time was had by all. I hope you had a nice day, love.

Monday, May 7
On Monday morning I did my last 6 AM radio show with my buddy, Major Tom. He graduates this Saturday and moves back to his hometown, which is about 3 hours away. I am very sad to see him go, as he has been a great friend of mine for several years. However, before his departure he helped me make a pipe dream into a reality...radio. Ever since I have been at this university we have had our own radio station which broadcasts to a 40-mile radius from our campus. Through the years I've had many friends who were DJs, and I always wanted to have my own show but never took the initiative. This semester, Tom brought me on as a cohost for his show...and I have to say, it's been awesome. This fall, after years of wondering what it would be like to run my own show, I will finally get that chance.

Today
I have some things to do today. Errands to run. People to visit. Goodbyes to say. One more final exam to take.

I've been very relaxed for the last few days. It's finally over. Sometimes I felt like this day would never come...but it finally has. This is the end of the tunnel, and I sincerely hope that my summer vacation meets all of my expectations. I hope that I can meet all of my goals.

Happy Wednesday, friends. And to those of you who graduated or are about to graduate this semester, congratulations!

~Shaneiferd

Saying Goodbye Sucks

This post comes to you from the retirement party I organized at my office. 2 of my supervisors are retiring, people who have worked for this department sine 1973. Last year, our secretary retired during my first semester on the job. She had been here for almost as long as they have. The last year has been the "end of an era" in our office...and I've felt truly honored to be their graduate assistant during this transition. I expected the balloons, the streamers, and the cake.

I did not expect the punch to the gut I felt from signing their cards.

Back in October of 2010, I was a broken person. Virtually penniless and deep in the midst of an existential crisis because my graduation in May had not treated me well. My grad school application had been submitted, but final approval was still pending. Someone I trusted heard that this office would have an opening for a GA, and recommended me for the position.

That October I submitted a resume, interviewed, and was accepted before I knew I made it into grad school. I started working in January of 2011 and I've been here ever since. I will continue to be here during the fall semester, my next-to-last semester of grad school and my last of assistantship eligibility.

Throughout the 3 semesters that I have spent in the office, the staff has been extremely supportive and flexible. They let me do my homework on the clock during my hectic days. If I need to change my hours, I have first priority. I even get to make my own schedule. And they always make me feel appreciated. Welcomed. Home. The staff members are like a family...and in the last year, 3 of them have moved on to a new phase of life.

I held the pen in my hand, and tears came to my eyes. I sighed and wrote:

Thank you for the wonderful opportunity and your guidance throughout my entire graduate school career. It has been a privilege to work for you. You will be missed. Be well. ~Shane

It was all the sentiment I could muster. I threw down the pen and came straight to my computer. Truth be told, I am still fighting away my emotions.

I've been so focused on getting the hell out of this semester that I forgot the people I'll be leaving behind.

Google It! Volume 1

Within the last two weeks I've noticed an influx of odd or hilarious Google searches that led people to my blog. Since I'm feeling very dull lately (too lazy to think of new content, too busy to spend a lot of time writing), I decided to post these for your amusement and consideration. 

IP address and other identifying information has been hidden to protect the visitors...even though I don't know most of them and some of these came from places like Chile and Austria. Go figure. 

By far, my absolute favorite is the "gtfo bitch i'm doing science". Totally sounds like something I would say.

~Shaneiferd

Summer Goals

Last night, during my Crisis Counseling class, I did what I do best: I stared off into space and made lists of things I'd rather do than sit in my Crisis Counseling class.

My obsession with my summer vacation has hit a new crescendo. As such, I wrote a rough (and very incomplete) draft of all the things I want to accomplish with my time off. Key principles of goal-setting include making them realistic and measurable, so I kept that in mind. Without further ado...

1) Lose 25 pounds between May 14 and August 12th. 

--Period of 100 days, breaks down to about 2 pounds per week. I miss being 190 pounds and under...from this side of the 200s, the clothes are much tighter.

2) Go to the gym at least 4 days a week. 2 hours of exercise minimum per visit.
--This will be difficult to follow since I will lack a routine. I have open availability at work, so my schedule will be all over the place...and I do best with a steady schedule. Last summer I went to the gym at 2:00 every day, 5 days a week, and that fixed schedule kept me motivated.

3) Drink 84 fluid ounces of water every day. Absolutely no soda or coffee for the same time period. 

4) Count calories. Eat no more than 2,000 calories on any given day.
--This is sketchy. Given my height, weight, and gender, I'm pretty sure my body needs more than 2,000 calories to function even on a lazy day. Plus, my caloric demand will be even higher once I'm exercising. I need to do some further research.

5) Read one new book for pleasure every week.
--This is a minimal goal. 2 per week would be awesome!

6) Read one chapter of my Counseling Theories book (or related textbook) every week.
--One of the things I struggled with this semester is an understanding of clinical principles. My basic skill set is strong, but my advanced knowledge of theories and techniques is lacking. My practicum experience did not give me as much practice as I desired, so I need to take it upon myself to learn more.

7) Read two scholarly journal articles per week that relate to my field.
--I hate research, but I need to develop a taste for it...even if it is an acquired taste.

8) Build one new Magic deck every week.
--Because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I have a habit of buying cards and making plans for them, but I never follow through. And hey, it's a hobby that I enjoy...so I may as well get more practice with it.

9) Following number 6, spend no more than $10 per week on Magic.
--I'll make an exception for the M13 release in July. Haha.

10) Take 30 minutes of each day to myself.
--This is non-negotiable. Whether it's a nighttime walk, extra time in the swimming pool, or even just a half-hour of sitting on my roof and staring at the stars...I will take 30 minutes each day to meditate on life and decompress.


This is only a partial list. More to come later. I am very open to any suggestions or comments. I also need a catchy name for these tasks. Like...the Restoration or something. Haha. I don't know.

~Shaneiferd

Shaneiferd Restored

It is an uncharacteristically cold April morning in our little corner of Pennsylvania. Some school districts have even closed due to snow delays. At our university, we are experiencing nothing more than an exceptionally dark and rainy day.

And yet, the overcast skies do not reflect my mood. On the contrary, I am quite content.

The semester is breathing its final labored gasps. It was a particularly complicated beast in these last few months; delightful and engaging during its infancy, ferocious and dangerous during its prime. Now, the creature lies broken and bleeding on the ground. A sword sticks straight up from its exposed underbelly, a symbol of triumph which calls to the heavens. I am not the only person who engaged this foe; there are many who encountered a great deal of personal and academic struggles. Some, as a result of these battles, have been fractured beyond repair. Others have grown, have attained the ideals which they endeavored toward. Love. Hope. Redemption. Purpose.

Fortunately, I consider myself among the latter group.

The last few days have been wonderful. On Thursday I visited my Wolf Pack to hang out and watch some Alien movies. Since Friday was our 6-monthaversary, Racjel and I went out to dinner and saw an on-campus play. We spent much of Saturday with a mutual friend; he and I played video games while she made us dinner and played cards while she slept. Yesterday, her and I stayed in for the majority of the day. In between games of Mario Kart I cleaned the house, she cooked dinner, and I amused myself with hobbies while she wrote her paper. All in all, it was a very relaxing weekend.

As April draws to a close I find myself in an emotional cocoon. A stable state. Yes, there are still some tests and presentations to complete. Next Wednesday's presentation grade will make or break my 4.0 GPA. I need to rewrite every single one of my internship logs. I am also writing a lengthy list of summer goals, aspirations which I hope to achieve. A 'bucket list' of sorts. Losing 20 pounds and reading some of my nearly two dozen unread books are among my goals. (My poor Kindle has been gathering dust for nearly 2 months!)

But I won't tackle any of these tasks just yet. For once, I'm content to merely...exist.

Happy Monday.

~Shaneiferd

Complete 180: A Retrospective

She has gone by many names on this blog. My lady. Ramona Flowers. Miss Ramona. Racjel. And today, this post goes out to her.

I originally planned a lengthy trilogy to commemorate the first 6 months of our relationship...but in the past few weeks I came to reject the idea because our shared experiences have taught me some fundamental truths about love.

Love doesn't survive on extravagance and grandiosity. It cannot sustain itself on a steady diet of fantastic feats and endless cliches. Indeed, the existence of love is most evident within the minutiae of one's daily activities.

Coming home from a rough night of classes to find that your girlfriend has done all of your dishes..

A spur-of-the-moment trip to a restaurant to fit some 'couple time' into your busy routines. Or a quiet dinner on a lumpy futon with a home-cooked meal and Netflix.

Cuddling your boyfriend's cat even though you are viciously allergic, because you know that he is so wrapped up in his own life that he forgets to show little Duce some love.

Participating in endless games of Mario Kart with him until he is so frustrated with the computer that he calls fictional characters names that would make his mother flinch.

Or even dragging yourself out of bed at 5 a.m. to take a 3-hour trip because your boyfriend got pissed off at the state government and thought it would be a super cool idea to raise some hell in the capital.

These acts of kindness constitute the best aspects of a relationship, a bond which developed from an unstable beginning against the most insurmountable of odds.

One which continues to survive and thrive to this very day.

My life did a complete 180-degree turn 6 months ago, and for better and worse I wouldn't change a single thing about the journey that brought us here.

Because you saved my heart.

Happy (semi) anniversary, Racjel.

I love you.

~Shane

Take Chances! Make Mistakes! Get Messy!

I spent some quality time with Google Reader this morning and read many posts that resonated with me. Some I identified with, such as when Bad Hall Director talked about the topic of a quarter-life crisis. Others were motivating, like basically everything Emma Harr wrote about politics and her upcoming journey to a new grad school. After this, I started to think about people I know. The people that inspire me.

My half-Iranian brother from another mother who treats life as one grand adventure. He's from Chicago, but went to college in Pennsylvania and recently moved to California to become a hot-air balloon pilot. Seriously.

The old friend who faced her fears and moved way out of her comfort zone - over 20 hours away - for her education.

My cousin who went to school in Canada, but is currently pursuing his post-doctoral studies in Boston (for freaking Harvard, by the dubs).

Another Canadian cousin of mine who is very politically motivated, very knowledgable, and he makes things happen in his neighborhood.

Don't lie. You were totally
Hot For Teacher. 

They aren't the only ones. A quick scan of my Facebook friends list (and my Twitter/blog reading list, of course) reveals a plethora of people who are far more inspirational than myself. Those who aren't afraid to take a risk and chase their dreams.

When I was a little kid, the Magic School Bus was my favorite book series. I still remember Ms. Frizzle's famous catchphrase:

"Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!"

She would be so disappointed if she saw the way I live my life now.

So, I'm making a conscious decision. This day, April 18th 2012, is the day that I stop bitching and start living. The day that I stop being my own worst enemy. The day that I cut away the self-imposed ties that hold me in place, the binds that stagnate my mind, soul, and body.

This is the day that I rise up and punch my quarterlife crisis right in its damn face.

 

Much love,

~Shaneiferd

What Really Matters

I've developed a burning obsession with the upcoming summer...and every time I think about it I get so giddy I might explode.

I'm taking time away from school. An entire summer off.

I'm tired of working endless hours.

Tired of day jobs and night classes.

Of getting fat because I eat whatever I can, whenever I can.

Of never seeing my friends or my family because of endless responsibilities.

Of bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I'm fried. Completely. Totally. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.

I used to love being a student. I used to love living in this town. With very few exceptions (Cary from Confessions of a Cruciverbialist being one of them), I just can't wait for all of these people to get the hell out.

The greatest benefit, and the greatest drawback, to living in a college town is that it completely shuts down over the summer break. Last year, it was very peaceful here. I had a great deal of free time. Hell, those were the days I became an official blogger and 20SBer. Although my existence grew exceptionally lonely, the silence was also refreshing.

And I had time. I hit the gym 5 days a week. I visited my friends. I read books for pleasure. I played video games. I slept like a baby. I enjoyed life. Damn it, I was happy.

This summer? No assistantship. No classes. Just me slinging clothes in a department store...and when I punch out, my time belongs to me.

Financially, it will be difficult. Even at my best-case scenario, I will have significantly less income compared to what I make now.

But I have to believe that, in the end, this will all be worthwhile.

I've been secretly (or perhaps not-so-secretly) miserable since January, and I have to do this for my own sake.

Happy Monday. Be well.

~Shane

Anywhere But Here

You ever wake up one morning and think: "Man, I have got to get THE HELL out of this place?" [Substitute house, town, college, city, state, country, continent, routine, and unhealthy pattern of behavior as necessary).

That's me today.

I hope it passes soon.

~Shane

Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I love blogging. It's one of my favorite hobbies. It keeps me emotionally centered, makes me happy. I also love this community. I'm really sad that I have fallen so far out of touch with everyone.

My hellish semester winds to a close. I see light at the end of the tunnel, however far away it may be. There are tests and assignments to complete, difficult goodbyes to be said, and doubtlessly there are tears to shed. Once again I have tasked myself with repairing broken friendships and family connections while balancing my jobs and homework. And you know what? I'm really bad at it.

I've also confronted my various issues. Anxiety. Tension. Stress. Weight gain. Family pressures. Mama drama. The usual heartache that comes from saying goodbye to my father and stepmother during their short visits to our home state. I terminated my therapy a few weeks ago. Perhaps it was premature to do so. Or maybe there are some things I need to face alone.

Good stuff has happened, though.

---I rebuilt my resume. Working in Career Services for the last few months taught me some pretty nice tricks.

---I earned an extension of my graduate assistantship contract. This is more wonderful than I can really put into words. It established a best-case scenario for my fall semester...an easier schedule and less financial cost. That lovely scenario, coupled with my upcoming summer vacation, makes me very excited for the rest of this year. I'm as giddy as a freakin' schoolgirl.

---I found an ideal site for my final internship. A college counseling center at another university. I am already speaking with the supervisor about working there in spring of 2013. Provided the world doesn't end shortly beforehand.

---My lady friend and I hit several speed bumps in the last few weeks. But we're fixing our communication issues.

Overall, I have been a lot better. But I've also been much worse.

There's no reason for anyone to comment on this entry, because Lord knows I haven't made time to read blogs in weeks. Just know that I love ya, okay? And I miss you.

(I pretty much live on Twitter and Facebook, so if you haven't followed/added me please feel free to do so).

Be well,

~Shane

Something Nice Back Home

Some of you, those who know me really well, will know that I never fully moved on from the days of my undergrad career when I was an RA. I still feel swarmed by a rush of memories every time I walk through the doors of my old stomping grounds. Even 2 years later, I still treasure those memories. There really is nothing more demanding, or more rewarding, than living where you work and working where you live...in a building with 250 neighbors.

Well, recently I had a second chance to get that lifestyle back. Kinda sorta.

A buddy of mine is a current RA at a cluster of off-campus apartments about a mile from the university grounds. He told me they are hiring staff that would start during the summer and fall. It sounded really exciting, so I took a few minutes to talk to one of the managers.

We hit it off quite well. The manager really liked what I had to say about my past experiences. And the package they offer is attractive. Before I departed, he gave me his business card and asked me to submit an application.

I thought about this possibility ad nauseum for a few days. I gave a lot of consideration to what I'd be gaining...fulfillment, a nice resume booster, not to mention access to a swimming pool, a gym, and basketball courts. I also thought about what I'd be losing.

First of all, my apartment is no more than 100 feet from campus. I lead a very busy life. Living that close to my college is convenient as hell. 

Nooo, Dad. Don't go. Whose stuff
will I destroy if you're gone?

I would also have to give up my cat. Love him or hate him...I often do both at the same time. But I'm attached to the little turd. There's no way I want to give him up.

Most importantly, neither myself nor Il Duce would be the only ones to lose a home.

Racjel and I basically live together now. She has a dorm room, but she finds that existence to be quite dull. Given that I live so close to everything, it's just as easy to spend time with me as it is to spend time in the residence halls.

And why not? We have everything we need in my apartment. A bathroom, a kitchen, a stove, a comfy bed, and a TV with connections to a PlayStation 3, a Nintendo GameCube, and Netflix. No, it's not glamorous. The carpet is coming up in several places. It's unbearably hot in the summer and bitterly cold in the winter. I don't have a thermostat, or my own washer and dryer. The toilet runs continuously on occasion, and sometimes won't flush until you dig around in the tank like a gold miner panning for nuggets.

It's not much. But it's affordable on a student budget. Cozy. Convenient.

And it's home.

I wrote this entry because, after I kissed her goodbye this morning, I absentmindedly picked up that business card on my way out. Polishing up my resume was one of many tasks I aimed to complete...but during the busy workday I forgot all about that little card.

An hour ago, as I made copies of an advisement sheet, I found the card in my pocket. I stared down at the writing for a few moments, and I reminisced.

I thought of the friends I made as an RA. I thought of the programs. The holiday parties. Experiences of yesterday that make great stories today. I thought about the times I could walk into the cafeteria and know a disgustingly large amount of people. People relied upon me. I felt needed. Powerful. Important. Popular.

I crumpled up the business card and I threw it away.

That's not who I am anymore. I don't need to be that guy, the Big Man On Campus. Popularity was a drug, but I weaned myself off of it.  I insist that I don't know how to let go...but I'm learning. Just a little bit at a time. I'm learning there are more important things than trying to relive my "Glory Days".

I have my cat. I have my girlfriend.

And I have the place that she turned into a home 6 months ago.

I'm happy right where I am.

~Shane

What Democracy Looks Like, Part 1: Catalyst

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<<<< Previous: This Is What Democracy Looks Like: Prologue

Next: TBA:>>>>

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It all started last spring when our state governor (hereafter referred to as Governor Douchebag) started his war against the one ideal I value more than my own life: the right to a quality education.

In one paragraph or less, since the spring of 2011 he has levied huge cuts against Pennsylvania's education on almost all levels. The Pennsylvania K-12 schools lost $900 million in his 2011-2012 budget. Our 14 state schools, as well as some mostly privatized universities that receive state support, lost hundreds of millions of dollars in support. As a result, our struggling educational system took a death blow to the back of the head. In the K-12 system some teachers became famous because they chose to work for free. Other positions have been eliminated. Art and music programs have been cut. Some schools might even close. On the college level, our state universities are losing classes, programs, professors...and students. To use my university as an example: every year for the last decade our enrollment steadily increased. Between 2011 and 2012, our enrollment dropped 3%. My grad department lost a professor who changed my life.

While all of this has occurred, tax breaks for big corporations (i.e. "Marcellus Shale Coalition") have allowed them to take our state's natural resources while not paying a dime on their dividends and profits. Coincidentally, these companies were among his biggest campaign backers.

This is corruption at it's finest, and it has come at a terrible cost: our future.

For my entire life, I can fully admit that I treated politics with a equal mix of disdain and apathy. At my university, most of our students do. However, since last year it became impossible to keep my eyes closed. It was a bit of a spiritual awakening.

I care about my education. My career goals lie within the field of higher ed. My degree, and my college experience, matters to me. My fellow students matter to me. I will fight to the death to defend their right to an affordable, quality degree. For the chance to better themselves. To grow emotionally, find self-fulfillment. To become successful, financially stable citizens of our country.

And I refuse to lie down and die with the sheep.

So last Tuesday, I did something about it. I wrote an e-mail:
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Dr. [--],

My name is Shane [---] and I am a graduate student concerned with these budget cuts. They told me about the lobby days in Harrisburg next week and said I can contact you for more information. My question to you is: will [organization] be sponsoring any sort of buses for students to ride out to Harrisburg? I would be interested in attending this event, and I am sure there are others as well.I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I received a speedy reply that said my inquiry had been passed on to other faculty members. From there, it was a waiting game. I promptly forgot about the message in the midst of my busy routine.

My inbox blew up the next day.

I answered all of the messages and tried to be as proactive as possible. One of the professors said, "You are a grassroots movement all by yourself!" I won't lie, it felt pretty good.

The pieces fell into place rapidly after that. Thursday afternoon, I got the final approval to take a group of students across the state to a political rally. I freaked out. I had wanted this, but I had also expected to be a passive participant...just a measly cog in the system. Instead, since there were no plans for student transportation until I wrote that message, I inadvertently become the center spoke.

I left my internship and ran across campus to see a trusted individual. My heart was pounding out of my chest.

I walked into her office without so much as a hello.

"We did it," I said, panting from my sprint as well as my nerves.

"Did what?" she asked.

I pounded a fist on her desk. "I'm going to Harrisburg. And I won't be alone."

She leaned back in shock, but recovered quickly. "That's great!"

I sank into a chair. "Is it really?"

"Why not?"

"It was just kind of a shot-in-the-dark, and now...this. I don't know what I'm doing."

She smiled. "Yes, you do."

"No. I don't." I stared down at my shoes.

"Shane."

I looked up.

"They needed a leader," she said. "And guess what, kiddo? You're it."

"Oh, hell," I said. "I think I'm gonna puke."

To Be Continued...

This Is What Democracy Looks Like: Prologue

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<<<< Previous: Spring Fever And Random Musings

Next: What Democracy Looks Like, Chapter 1: Catalyst >>>>

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"Mr. Corbett!" I yell into the microphone, turning my head slightly so I can face the State Capitol building that loomed behind me, a dark and forbidding symbol of the corrupt governor that has crippled our educational system.

"We stand here today to ask you to do the right thing! To act with integrity! To save the future of Pennsylvania rather than condemn us all to a dark and impoverished future!"

I pause to raise a fist into the air. "Keep! Your! Promise! Keep! Your! Promise!"

The protesters join in, and the chant continues for a few more rounds.

I bow my head to speak my last words to the crowd: "Thank you." Cheers and applause mark my exit, just as they did for every other speaker that day.

Photo credit: The Eagle Eye 

The host, a well-dressed student from one of our sister universities, walks by me on her way back to the podium. She smiles as she passes by. "Nice," she whispers.

I didn't allow myself to focus on my shaking legs until I retreated from the watchful eyes of the cameras. Not for the first time, I was forced to wonder how this happened.

A one-paragraph e-mail, a message sent last week on a whim...how did it spark this movement? How did it take myself and several friends on a roller-coaster ride that started with an on-campus rally (one with an admittedly pitiful turnout) and ended 3 hours away in our state's capital city of Harrisburg?

How did we come to march on that building with our fellow students while screaming, "THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE!" at the top of our lungs?

And how did I, a person who only registered to vote just last month, become a motivational speaker on the front steps of that Capitol Building?

I can barely recall some of the specifics. It has been such a whirlwind of a week that many of the details have blurred together.

But, as I said, I remember that it started with an e-mail...

TO BE CONTINUED.

(In the meantime, this video will give you some idea of what's been happening. Note: the numbers they reported were wrong, which is partially my fault, but it doesn't eliminate the severity of the situation.)

Spring Fever and Random Musings

I'm currently very busy hating life because classes, and my work schedule, have resumed. Goodbye, spring break. In the meantime...

***In the last 2 weeks, 5 people that I know have started (or are about to start) relationships. The count includes 2 lady friends, both of Ramona's roommates, and a good buddy of mine. This makes me very happy.

She cross-stitched this portrait last week.
Isn't it awesome?

***I'm learning how to repair my fractured identity ("Pilgrim No More" - March 7, 2012). It has taken me some time to adjust. Although I can now embrace who I really am, I still keep all evidence of my blog off of my Facebook profile and most of my Facebook friends off of my Twitter. At least for now. But, there's another crack in the foundation.

Although she grew rather fond of her code name, I've become exceptionally tired of using it.

Racjel. My girlfriend's name is Racjel. Pronounced "Rachel" or "ray-zhul", depending on how lazy you are when you say it.

***Today marks the end of our 5th month together. My, my, how the time has flown.

***I still hate Tuesdays.

***Emma over at Charcoal Renderings turned 24 yesterday. Did you show her love? If not, you totally need to.

***I'm a bad blogger. It seems like every time I write a post I have to include a mandatory excuse. I'm going to host this 10,000 Hit Giveaway. I swear it. I originally planned to get everything done over spring break, but then I spent very little time on Blogger during my one gap of free time. So...soon. I will make it worth the wait.

***Kathy from That's What She Said will have a Sponsor Spotlight post from me very soon. Kathy is a awesome blogger - one of the first blog friends I ever made, a wonderful poster, and a very dedicated commenter. Look for her post soon! (I'll be sure to share a link)

That's all for now. New entry coming tomorrow!

Much love,

~Shane

Spring Break Photo Dump

Hello, friends! I've been a bit of an absent blogger this week. I originally planned for spring break to be a time of great relaxation and blogging. Well, at least I met half of those goals. My original plan was to take a trip to Canada. For various reasons I postponed those vacation plans. The timing could not have been worse. So, instead of more chapters of The Canada Chronicles (my most popular posts ever), I bring you...

What I've Done This Spring Break:

Sleeping in like it's my job. EVERY DAMN DAY.

I took my car to the garage because it has been making some very suspicious noises. It came back with a clean bill of health. I suppose, at 173,000 miles, I can't expect miracles. 

Likewise, I took my kitty to the vet for a yearly checkup. He was less than thrilled about the experience. 

I made a new friend.

(Incidentally, for those of you that follow me on Twitter I apologize for everything I posted on Saturday afternoon.)

Call of Duty. Lots and lots of CoD.

I went on a shopping spree and stocked up on more age-appropriate clothing.

And also, a shirt that broke this rule.

Since Gamestop gave me a pretty nice coupon after I signed up for a membership, I stocked up on some decent games for a good price.

Several rounds of Monopoly: The Mega Edition.

Lastly, this afternoon I savored the view from my roof during one of the first beautiful days of the season.

(It ain't as pretty as Vegas, but it's home.)

What I Haven't Done This Spring Break:

Homework.

Exercise.

Diet.

Developed the giveaway that I've been talking about for at least a month now.

Anything productive.

I might regret this later, but it feels pretty nice now.

~Shane 

Pilgrim No More

Note: If you leave a comment, please don't write my last name in it. I've become much more of an open book, but that doesn't mean I want this site to show up when a future employer Googles my name :P

~Shane